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Dear Pay Dirt,
A few years ago, my widowed mother gave me and my siblings a small safe full of gold bars. Worth about $50,000 according to current market value. I immediately took this to a safety deposit box.
Most of this investment was raised during my parents’ lifetime, some given to them by their own parents. We have all been told that these are emergency funds to be used to trade in case society collapses. Serious.
We currently have a lot of expenses and work to do on our 100 year old house. Do I honor my mother’s wishes and save for a “rainy day” or sell something (half-thinking) to do the work our house desperately needs?
“Mom needs a new chimney.”
dear mother,
Apparently it’s not about the $50,000; it’s about the emotional meaning of money. Spending it feels like a betrayal, and to make things even stickier, the $50,000 is tied to a precious and tangible object—gold—that only adds to its sentimental value. This is not a financial question, it is an emotional one. And emotions about money are complicated, so it’s hard to say, “Just spend the money down the chimney.” But if I were you, I’d spend the money on the chimney.
Will society collapse in your lifetime? Would you like to have those gold bars at the end of the world? As you walk into the dystopian wasteland of your neighborhood, will you regret your chimney renovation? May be.
None of us know what the future holds. It’s smart to have funds on hand for whatever comes tomorrow, but you also need to plan for the life you have now. And if your house is in desperate need of some fixing up, I’d go for it. As you mentioned, you can do both. Spend some of your money and save some of it for a rainy day. Or an apocalyptic future, whichever comes first.
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Dear Pay Dirt,
My aunt never married or had children. She traveled the world and loved my brother and I growing up. She’s got a big personality and can make your ear twitch, but she doesn’t have a malicious bone in her body. My sister-in-law, on the other hand, has a prickly personality and is a serious introvert. After a few hours of socializing, she becomes very irritable and moody. My aunt retired to the same town as my brother and sister-in-law and made a strong attempt to keep in touch with them. She invited them out, invited them to her place, and often invited herself to family vacations.
I haven’t been there, but I’ve heard about it from all sides. It was like my aunt couldn’t win. For example, she offered to help cook and clean for Thanksgiving, and my sister-in-law took it as an insult to her ability to host. At Christmas, my aunt didn’t offer and that upset my sister-in-law too. The straw that broke the camel’s back was during my grandson’s birthday celebration, a serious storm came up. There were flood warnings and my aunt asked if she could spend the night as the driving was getting on her nerves. He was told to get a hotel room even though they had a guest room. This hurt my aunt and she complained to my mother who advised her to let them go and let them come to her.
I visited my aunt more in one year than my brother and his wife do in six. My aunt stopped sending their children gifts and only cards. My sister-in-law complained bitterly about it. I had to leave the room at that point before I said anything bad. I mean, you clearly say that you despise and dislike this person, but you expect gifts from them? Serious?
My aunt recently offered to give me a substantial amount of money so I could afford a place of my own. I work at a non-profit and could never afford to save for this on my own between my college loans and skyrocketing rent. The problem is that it will be obvious to everyone else in the family that I got the bounty from somewhere and I fear an outburst from my brother and his wife. She was let go from her last three jobs and had to stop their remodel halfway through because they couldn’t afford it. There was already a nasty incident where they cut off contact with the mother because she offered to take the two oldest children on a Disney cruise – meanwhile, they wanted money for their own vacation. I really want to accept this gift, but I’m worried about the consequences if it gets out. What should I do?
– Big gift
dear big gift,
Accept the gift and let them be upset about it. Your brother and sister-in-law can deal with their big feelings however they see fit – they’re adults and that’s their choice. You can’t change how they react to the situation, but you shouldn’t have to step aside to accommodate their bad behavior. There might be consequences and you can choose how you react in response, but ultimately their behavior is on them.
That said, you’ve been tight-lipped about this issue, so if they have a big reaction to the gift, it might be an opportunity to get some of those feelings out. You can do this without turning it into a big, ugly battle. When the problem comes up and they inevitably get upset about it, share your side of the story. Tell them the truth, but focus on your aunt and her feelings rather than their mistake. Something like “Aunt Jane loves you so much and was hurt by some of the choices you made and I can understand why.” They will almost certainly be defensive, but you don’t owe them a debate. You don’t need to go into a long explanation or analysis of why you feel this way. In fact, that could make things worse. Keep it simple: let them have their say, then tell them your opinion on the issue.
Before this conversation takes place, it might help to write down exactly what you want to get off your chest and what boundaries you want to set during the conversation. Know your boundaries, and when the topic comes up, set those boundaries to try to keep the discussion civil.
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Dear Pay Dirt,
I am 22 years old and a 2nd year student in a paid PhD program. This is my first real job, and coming out of college with no savings, I spent the year living frugally and have saved almost $20,000 already this year (about $10,000 in retirement savings and the rest in an emergency fund ). I’m one of those people who gets nervous about making purchases over $100, even when they’re a necessity like a new pair of sneakers. Saving so much has reduced my stress, but I have a hard time judging when it’s OK to spend a little, versus how much to prioritize continued savings. This graduate program is six years old, so I still have a long way to go earning a similar amount of money. What is a good rule of thumb for spending versus saving? What should my long-term priorities be?
— Scrooge McDuckling
Dear Scrooge,
It sounds like you have a bit of financial anxiety. You’re hypervigilant about saving, which is a good thing, but that vigilance can also make life unnecessarily difficult. If you have $20,000 in the bank, you shouldn’t be walking around in sneakers that fall apart.
The fix is ​​relatively simple: you need to set some limits with your money. If you have a concrete savings goal you’re working towards and put money towards it each month, you won’t feel so anxious about spending the rest of your money on things like shoes. A good rule of thumb for saving? The 50/30/20 rule. Set aside fifty percent of your income for essentials like rent, bills, and groceries. Then, twenty percent of your income goes toward savings—that could be your retirement, a bigger emergency fund, or a trip you want to take around your schedule. The rest, the thirty percent, you can spend on whatever you see fit.
This is a good rule of thumb to get you started, but you can adjust it based on your preferences. If you’re worried about your income over the next few years, your long-term goal might be to strengthen your emergency fund, so you don’t have to worry so much about future income. In this case, you might decide to change the rule to something like 50/40/10: Allocate 50% to essentials, 40% to savings, and 10% to everything else. Come up with a concrete amount to save for the next year or so, based on what you’re comfortable with, and then decide how much you want to save toward those goals each month. You can always adjust those rules you set for yourself in the future.
– Christine
Classic prude
My husband recently received a promotion that led him to change jobs within the same organization. About a week into his new position, he forgot to bring his lunch with him. One of the guys he’s eating with offered what he’d brought because he’d been out in the fields in the morning and stopped to get something on the way. She thanked him and said it was delicious. Apparently that night when the co-worker went home he told his wife how much he liked my husband.
#mother #left #specific #wishes #legacy